When It All Falls Down
by maggymoo21
Summary: When Lucas loses the one person who was always there for him he finds himself alone. Who will be there to help him when it all comes crashing down? Leyton
1. I Come Crashing Down

"She's gone" The 2 words that sent my world crashing down around me. The 2 words that would change my life forever.

A doctor stood before Lucas, but all he could see was a blur. He couldn't even cry, he was too numb. This couldn't be happening. It had to be a dream. "Lucas?" Brooke whispered trying to hug him, but he pulled away and ran. He ran from everything. He didn't know where he was running he just knew he had to get away. From now on things would never be the same.

Lucas found himself at the bridge. The bridge overlooking the town he called home. The town that would never seem like home again. How could it possibly be home if his mom was gone? Gone. How he hated hearing that word. Surely it must all be some horrible dream that he'd wake up from soon.

Peyton who had been in the waiting room with Lucas had seen the pain reflecting in his eyes and the vacant look that had hazed over them when he heard the news of his mother's death. She knew she had to get to him and now.

Keith started to move towards the door once Lucas left, but now Peyton grabbed his arm. "Let me. I know where he is," she whispered. Keith couldn't do anything but nod.

Quickly exiting the hospital Peyton got in her car and started driving towards the bridge. As she pulled up she saw him. He was leaning over the stone wall. She could only imagine what thoughts must be running through his mind.

She got out of her car and made her way over to him. Lucas heard someone coming and knew it was Peyton, but he didn't have the heart to even look over at her. He couldn't even find the will to live anymore. 

"Lucas," she whispered standing next to him. Still he didn't turn towards her. "Lucas, come on let's go home."

"Home?" he shouted, "where is my home? I don't have a home anymore! Dan's not my father. I'm an orphan. I have no one Peyton. No one!" 

"You're wrong," she replied sternly, "you have me. And Brooke and Nathan and Haley and Keith and tons of people who care about you."

"But they're not here," he whimpered close to tears.

"Nobody will ever be her Lucas, but let us try to help."

"You can't help me Peyton. I only want to die." The look in his eyes scared her. She had been young when her mother died. Killing herself had never even occurred to her.

"Lucas you being dead won't make your mother happy."

"It's too late," he said with no expression, "I'm already dead."


	2. Misery Tastes So Bitter

Life simply cannot be summed up in one word, but Lucas Scott knew how to describe it. Hell. For that's what his world had become since he'd lost his mother.

Lucas had been locked up in what used to be his room, but now was just another spot reminding him of the good times with his mom, avoiding his friends. He would say friends and family, but he didn't have any family left. His only family had been snatched away from him so fast he hadn't even had time to breathe.

"Lucas," Peyton said desperately knocking on his bedroom door for the umpteenth time that day. "Lucas please just open the door." No reply. He hadn't said anything since he told her he was already dead. He knew those would be his last words ever because nothing could stop him from what he was planning to do.

Lucas picked up the bottle and took a big swig of the bitter liquid. He couldn't stand the taste of whiskey but anything was better then having to feel the numb pain in his heart. Looking over to his dresser he saw the pills. If he took those pills now everything would be over and he could see his mom again. One thing was stopping him. His fear of Hell.

His mother had raised him to know that people who kill go to hell and that included killing yourself. What if that happened. If he went to hell and his mother was in Heaven? Then he really would never see her again.

Peyton had had it. She knew she had to get in there and now. She'd seen the now empty liquor cabinet. The cabinet that once held pills wide open and obviously rummaged through. Taking her hair clip she began to pick Lucas's lock. She knew exactly how to do this from accidentally locking herself out of her bedroom so many times.

The door finally gave way and she saw Lucas sitting on his bed with a near empty bottle in his hand and another on the floor. "Oh Lucas," she sighed walking over to him. He looked up at her with vacant eyes. She could tell he was beyond drunk, he was totally wasted. Peyton reached over and took the bottle out of his hands. He didn't even have the strength to fight her.

"Lucas what are you doing to yourself?" she asked him. He just looked at her with a blank expression and a single tear in his eye. "Oh Luke," she cried embracing him.

Standing up he pushed her off of him and she fell back onto the bed shocked. "Don't touch me," he slurred. Peyton sighed again and sat there watching as he ripped pictures of him and his mom down off of his walls. Eventually he fell to the ground sobbing and she went and embraced him. "It's okay. Sh…it's okay." She whispered. 

"No Pey it's not okay," he said looking up at her. Then he passed out cold in her arms.

Lucas stirred from his drunken slumber, and Peyton who'd been sitting in a chair beside the bed got up to get a cool washcloth.

Lucas tried to lift his head up, but his attempt was in vain as the room began to spin. "How did I get here?" he moaned when he saw Peyton.

"Nathan. Lucas do you even remember what happened?"

"Yeah, I went to the party. I must have just drank a little too much," he said as if it was no big thing.

"Wrong Lucas, you were beyond drunk, you were trashed. I got you here and you told me it's not okay and then passed out." Lucas remained silent.

"It's true isn't it?"

"But it will be okay Luke."

"No it won't. My mom's dead, the only one I have to live with is Dan. Nothing is okay Peyton. Nothing! And you know worst of all is the look people give me now. That look of pity. Like "oh that poor boy."

"They only care about you. They want to help."

"They can't help!" Lucas shouted standing up. He swayed still very drunk. "Nobody can help me anymore Peyton. I'm too far gone." With that he passed out again onto the bed.


	3. Hope Meet Sober Realization

God gives all of us obstacles in life that we must overcome. These obstacles are supposed to help us grow and make us stronger. Well God had given Lucas Scott one of the hardest obstacles he would ever face.

They tell you time heals all things. Well that is a lie. Nothing can completely heal something like this, rather a bandage is only put over the wound. Someday though the wound might be ripped open again, but it would never go away completely.

As Lucas sat in his room, once again alone, and sober, realization began to dawn on him. His mother wouldn't see him graduate from high school or be able to see him go off to college. She would miss watching him walk down the aisle, and never hold his first child. She was missing his life. What he didn't know was that he was throwing his away.

"Lucas?" It was Haley. Their feeble attempts to get him out of the house were growing old. "Lucas? Please come out."

"Haley I said no," he said aggressively through the closed door.

"Lucas at least open the door."

"I can't."

"Why not?" Haley asked almost pleading with him now.

"Because Haley opening that door isn't going to make her come back. It's not going to make what happened go away. Nothing is the same Hales and it's not going to be."

"Do you really think your mother would want you to live like this Lucas?" 

"Well we'll never know now we'll we," he said angrily collapsing back onto his pillow. A fresh swarm of tears filled his eyes. Haley could barely hear his quiet sobs through the door but she knew they were there. Silently and sadly she walked away from her friend knowing that nothing she could say or do would make the situation any better. 

"Still nothing?" Peyton asked Haley who walked solemnly out of Lucas's house.

"Still nothing," she sighed sitting down on the curb. "Peyton what are we going to do. I'm worried about him."

"Me too Hales, but maybe he just needs time. All we can do is be here for him when he's ready. All we can do is wait."

"What if waiting isn't enough. Lucas does stupid things when he's upset Peyton. He's not rational when he's drunk. What happens if just once we're not around and he loses it?"

"All that's left is hope Haley. That's all we can do. Hope and pray that it'll be okay."

"I'm afraid it won't be."

"So am I. So am I." Peyton said putting her arm around haley who was tearing up.


	4. Stepping Off The Edge

_What happens when doing nothing's not enough? What happens when things spin out of control? What happens when the pain runs too deep? ___

_If you don't bother looking, you'll never see what's there._

Lucas walked through the crowded halls making his way to his locker. Nobody knew his secret. Nobody would suspect bright, talented Lucas Scott of taking drugs. Or so he thought.

_What happens when it all becomes too much? How much is too much?_

Peyton saw Lucas and immediately knew something was wrong. He was almost what you'd call stumbling through the halls to his locker. Nobody else noticed, of course. Lucas was perfect in their eyes and she knew it.

_Words that sting, __  
__memories that burn. ___

_I take a step closer._

Peyton decided not to jump to conclusions. He could just be tired she thought. She decided she'd watch him throughout the day and see. 

_waking with hangovers, __  
__trying drugs to ease the pain. ___

_I take a step closer_

Lucas's POV

I walked into English class. It was now fourth hour and let me tell you I was floating and it felt good. I couldn't feel anything, but I felt like laughing. It was amazing, but suddenly the pain was gone. They say once its over though the pain comes back, but what they don't say is you can always take more drugs.

End POV

_Holding her in my arms __  
__but not feeling anything. ___

_I take a step closer_

"Lucas," Peyton called finally deciding she needed to know. "Lucas!" 

"What?" he said stumbling as he attempted to turn around. He bumped into the desk knocking over the chair in the now empty classroom.

"Lucas, what did you take?"

_people saying pain hurts __  
__but knowing feeling empty is worse. ___

_I step to the edge_

"Now what Pey? You accusing me of being a drug addict?" he laughed out. 

"No, but I know you took something. What did you take and how many?" 

_no hope left. __  
__No will to live. __  
__Only one option. ___

_I jump off the edge_

"Just nine xanax."


	5. He's My Brother

"Luke you realize just nine xanax means you are completely high right now?" 

"No," he laughed swaying.

"Lucas come on we're going home," Peyton said trying to pull him with her.

"I don't have a home Pey. I have nothing. I have an uncle who can't look me in the eye because guess what I killed her Peyton! I killed my own mother."

"Lucas," Peyton said taking both his arms, "you did not kill your mother."

"I did," he moaned, "i did."

"Lucas look me in the eye and tell me you didn't kill her."

"I can't," he cried, "I can't. It's my fault Peyton. My fault she tried to make that yellow light. My fault she was even on the road that night. peyton I killed my mother."

At that moment Nathan and Haley happened to be walking by. nathan made it to Lucas just as he collapsed in tears. "Come on," Nate said helping him up. "Where do you want him?" he asked Peyton.

"Here my car is just over there. We can take him to my house." 

"Alright," Nate said trying to steadily make it to Peyton's car. He managed to get Lucas in and then looked at Peyton.

"Do you think you'll be okay with him or do you want me to come. He's a lot bigger than you."

"You'd do that?"

"He is my brother," Nate said quietly.

"We'll go to my house."

"Haley you coming?" Nathan asked her.

"If you don't mind," she whispered.

"Come on," Nate said opening the passenger door so Haley could get in. Peyton slipped into the back seat and let Lucas put his head in her lap. Lucas who was now almost completely out of it moaned and rolled onto his side. Getting in the car Nathan started it up and pulled away looking back at his brother. His brother who was hurting so much and for once he didn't know how to help him. He didn't know how to make that kind of pain go away.

So sorry it's a short chapter, but I figured something is better than nothing. And special note to zanderbaby I hope you don't think I'm stealing your story but I wrote this a while ago and it was a work in progress so I figured to take it off hiatus. But, I am madly in love with your story so keep it up!


	6. Let Me Disappear

Chapter 6: Let Me Disappear

The mood as they pulled up to Peyton's house was not good. The car was silent with the three teenagers constantly looking at Lucas who was in and out of consciousness. Nathan quickly parked, got out and went around to grab the semi-conscious Luke. With help from Peyton they managed to get Lucas in the door and upstairs where they put him on Peyton's bed. As soon as they got him on the bed, Lucas rolled onto his side and curled into a ball; it was as though he was trying to comfort himself.

"So now what?" Haley said, sitting down at the computer chair, "I mean what do we do? Let him sleep this off, so he can go home and do it again?"

"No, obviously that hasn't been working. I'm at a loss, I mean I'd say take him home, but where?" Nathan replied, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

Sitting down next to him, Peyton spoke, "Wait, what do you mean where?"

"Well technically Lucas isn't 18, and he has to live with a legal guardian."

"Wait, you don't mean Dan, do you?" Haley said in shock.

"No, no, my mom told me that a few years ago Karen made Keith Luke's legal guardian. Problem is that Keith is in no condition to watch out, or take care of Lucas. Truth be told, I don't even know where Keith is."

"Well I'm sure if we found Keith and talked to him he'd help us take care of Lucas, right?" Peyton asked.

"I don't know," replied Nathan, "I just don't know." For the next few hours the three teenagers tried to keep occupied. Conversations were started, but never finished, so that for the bulk of the time silence filled the room.

The three teenagers who'd been drifting in and out of sleep, awoke suddenly as Lucas groggily opened his eyes and shifted in his sleep. "Hey man," Nathan said walking over to him.

"Where am I?" Lucas asked looking around.

"My house," Peyton said, a slight edge to her voice. Upset or not she was still very angry that lucas would do this to himself. Knowing why he was there Lucas layed his head back down in defeat.

"So I guess you guys are expecting me to explain why I did this?" he asked sitting up.

"Lucas, we know why, you're upset, but we need to help you get better. We need to get you home and talk to Keith about getting you help," Nate told him.

"Talk to Keith," Lucas said bitterly, "now there's an idea. Good luck with that considering this is all my fault in his mind."

"Keith would never say that," Haley replied.

"Yea, well he did!"

Flashback 

_Coming in from a late walk, Lucas quietly closed the door behind him_. _Karen's funeral had been that morning and he had needed to clear his had._

"_Where have you been?" came a cold voice from across the room._

"_Sorry Keith, I went to the ricercourt. I just needed to think," Lucas replied with no emotion._

"_Still playing basketball, huh?" Keith said, his tone one of disgust._

"_You think I'd pick up a ball this soon? I just lost my mom, don't think I'm not hurting. You think I don't know this was my fault? I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry I wanted her at the game. I'm sorry I made her guilty for never being there on time, I'm sorry!"_

"_Sorry isn't going to bring her back. Sorry isn't going to make this situation any better." With that Keith walked out of the room leaving Lucas alone. Alone. The one thing feeling he knew so well._

_Flashback Ended_

"Keith would never do that," Haley said in a soft voice. Surely this couldn't be true.

"Well he did," Lucas said standing up angrily. "And he's right! It is my fault. I shouldn't have made her feel guilty that she always came to the games late. She needed to stay open. If I hadn't said anything she never would have tried to make that yellow light; she never would have gotten in that accident."

"You're wrong man." Nathan walked over and put a hand on Luke's shoulder, but Luke backed away. "You're mom wanted to be there. She wanted to see you play. You were her world and she's still watching you. Do you think she really wants to see you like this?"

"You're wrong. She's not watching. Because if there's heaven, there has to be a God, and how could I love a God who took away my mother?" Luke said beginning to leave the room.

"Lucas," Peyton called to him. "Let us help you. How can we make this better?"

"You can let me go. Forget about me. I want to disappear. Let me disappear."

_Let me disappear. _

_Let me leave behind this pain I can never forget._

_Let mebe free. _

_Free to disappear._


	7. On Becoming Invisible

Chapter 7: On Becoming Invisible

Karen's will had gone through. Child services had deemed Keith suitable for Lucas to live with, he'd cleaned up for the meeting, and they were currently living in what had previously been Lucas and Karen's house, which had been left to Lucas.

Lucas currently had two goals in life. Ignore his dad; both his real one and the one who had been a father figure to him, but now seemed almost worse than Dan, at least Dan had taken some pity on him. The second goal was to convince his friends he was all right. Avoiding Keith was simple, since apparently Keith was avoiding him, but his friends were proving difficult. It seemed as though one of them was always there making sure he was okay. Because of this he'd found it best to keep his emotions distant.

_Invisible  
the smiling faces  
Gazing back  
Eyes look through  
Glazed and unseeing  
because no one is here_

Another thing Lucas had discovered was the by running he could block out everything, while in the mean time getting in excellent shape, or at least this is what he told himself he was doing. Completely unintentionally he'd been dropping weight. With his mom no longer there cooking for him, he'd lost his appetite. Normally he would eat at the café, but even though Deb was keeping it open he couldn't bring himself to even go in. Every time he even had to walk past it he would speed up, making sure to look straight ahead.

After spending most of the weekend working out or in bed staring at the ceiling, Lucas showed up at school on Monday looking like he'd been through Hell, which I guess, if you think about it, he had.

"Hey man," Nathan said slapping Lucas on the back. "You ready to see what you got on that Lit test last Thursday?"

Lucas had forgotten all about the test. He didn't care if he ever got it back. He already knew he'd done poorly on it. School had lost all meaning to him. "Sure," Luke responded before turning back to his locker, grabbing his book, and stalking off to class.

Nathan sighed, seeing that Lucas hadn't even noticed that he'd grabbed his calculus book instead of his Lit book. Following behind him, Nate watched as Luke took his seat in the very back and put his head down on the desk.

_A silent scream  
Begging to be recognized  
becomes a murmur  
A part of the drone  
A whisper unheard  
Unimportant, unheeded, unneeded  
_

"How is he?" Nate turned. He hadn't even noticed Haley walk in.

"Bad, but I mean, what else could you expect from someone who just lost his mother?"

"I know, but it's been three weeks. Shouldn't he at least be making some progress?"

"Just think, for him it's worse. If you lost your mom, God forbid, you'd still have you dad, and all your brothers and sisters. Karen was it for Lucas. He was basically all he had growing up besides Keith, who's not really doing too well himself. He's coping with the fact that instead of going to the café after school to see his mom, he's now going home to an empty house." Haley thought about this.

"He's got you. You're his brother," she pointed out.

"Yea, but Karen wasn't my mom. Try as I might, I don't know how to make that kind of pain go away," Nate spoke sadly.

"So we're just gonna let him continue on like this?" Haley looked sickened by this thought.

"Of course not. I promise you Hales. Somehow, someway, we're gonna get him past this." Nathan saw Haley still looked skeptical. "Don't worry," he said embracing her, "we're all gonna make sure he's okay. Luke's got a lot of people looking out for him."

_Laughter surrounds  
Oblivious to the torment  
Concealed so well  
Because no one is seen  
No one is noticed  
Grey space filled but vacant_

The bell rang, and Nathan and Haley both took their seats. Peyton slipped in just as the bell rang, relieved that the teacher had her back turned.

"Hey," she said poking Lucas. Class hadn't even started and once again he was already sleep. Sleeping in class was starting to become a pattern for him.

"What?" Lucas moaned sitting up. For a moment he thought maybe it was his mom waking him up. Then he remembered that she'd never wake him up again.

"This whole you sleeping in class thing and me waking you up is getting old," she joked.

"Then stop waking me up." Peyton was slightly taken aback at his cold tone. She was starting to get used to the cold-shoulder he'd been giving them all, but this seemed personal.

"Okay, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Not all of us can be so cheery in the morning," he said looking directly at her.

"On second thought, did you ever even go to bed, cause no offense Luke, but you look like Hell," Peyton said upon seeing the dark bags under his eyes and his unshaven face.

"Well you sure no how to make a guy feel good."

"Well it's like they say, 'the path to Hell is paved with good intentions.'"

"Who says that?"

"I don't know, some guy or girl." For a moment Peyton thought she was beginning to get through to him again. Maybe all he needed to get him out of this funk was some playful banter.

_A shadow  
A movement  
From the corner of the eye  
Gone in an instant  
Unregistered by synapses  
Forgotten before known_

"Whatever." Turning away, Lucas put his head back in his hands. Peyton turned and got out her sketchbook. Who was she joking; this class was lame enough to put anyone to sleep.

"Lucas Scott," Mrs. Bradburn called. Lucas jolted awake.

"What?"

"If you don't think my class is worth staying awake, please excuse yourself," the teacher threatened.

"Fine," Lucas spoke angrily. Getting up he violently grabbed his bag and pushing aside a desk walked out of the room, leaving the door to swing shut behind him.

_Invisible  
Filler for the background  
A shape without form  
A blur of grey  
Indistinguishable from the crowd  
The tree lost in the forest_

While the class murmured excitedly at the commotion, Nathan looked at the teacher. Mrs. Bradburn gave him a sad, knowing nod and Nate quickly got up to chase after Lucas.

"Lucas," he called, catching up with him as Lucas walked quickly down the hall. Lucas took no notice, or if he did he didn't bother stopping. "Luke, man, slow down." Nate caught up with him.

"What?" Luke spoke angrily causing Nate to take a step back.

"What do you mean what? We have class."

"No, you have class," Luke spat at him. "I've got nothing. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to the gym. I've got better ways to spend my time then listening to some crap about another dead author."

"Another dead author? Listen to yourself. This used to be your class. Unless I've suddenly gone crazy, not too long ago you always had your nose stuck in some novel. You never went anywhere without a book jammed in your back pocket."

"Yeah, things change."

Nate was growing exasperated, he wasn't getting anywhere and he knew it. "Luke, this isn't you. The old Lucas would be in there doing his work and raising his hand spouting off some opinion on a writer that I've never even heard of. What happened to that guy?"

"He's gone." Turning away Lucas walked out for what seemed to Nathan the millionth time in the last three weeks.

_Breathing stops  
Heartbeat stills  
Humanity slips away  
Fading away in the silence  
Lesson taught, lesson learned  
On Becoming Invisible_

**Italicized words are a poem, "On Becoming Invisible" by J.L. Roth.**


	8. To Whom It May Concern

Chapter 8: To Whom It May Concern

The rest of Monday was uneventful. Lucas went home and seeing that Keith was gone, went inside. Dropping his bookbag, he walked over to his dresser and put down his wallet.

Lifting his head, Lucas saw his reflection watching him from inside the mirror. Then he noticed the pictures. They were all around the border of the mirror. Turning his attention to the photos, he took them in one by one.

The first photo was of him and Haley from last summer. They were outside washing his car and had gotten into a water war. His mom had come out and snapped the photo.

Flashback 

"_Lucas Eugene Scott!" Haley shouted running around to the other side of the car. "I swear if you spray me one more time with that hose I'm going to kick your butt!"_

"_With what? All 95lbs of you?" Lucas laughed while beginning to sneak around the edge of the car._

"_Well, if I can't then I'll hire someone to do it!"_

"_Seriously Hales, I don't know why I'm friends with you; your comebacks are so lame."_

"_Don't make fun of my comebacks until you change your middle name!"_

"_That's it!" Lucas yelled as he jumped from behind the car and sprayed Haley with the hose. Grabbing her he got her in a playful headlock._

"_Stop, not fair!" Haley said strugging to get away from his grasp._

"_Say, 'Lucas is the hottest guy in Tree Hill' and I'll let you go," he said tightening his grasp on her._

"_Gross, no way!"_

"_Say it Hales," he said starting to tickle her. If there was one way to break Haley it was to tickle her right on the side._

"_Fine! I give, I give, Lucas is the sexiest guy in Tree Hill." Lucas let go._

"_Hey I said hottest, but it's good to know you think I'm sexy," Lucas laughed._

"_Shut up!"_

"_You think I'm sexy, you wanna kiss me."_

"_Oh my gosh, we're so never watching Miss Congeniality again." Lucas continued laughing and didn't even notice as Haley picked up the hose. It wasn't until he was being sprayed directly in the face that he noticed. He looked up to see her standing there, laughing hysterically, garden hose in hand._

_Flashback Ended_

Shaking the memory from his head, he looked around the mirror until another picture caught his attention. It was a snapshot of him and Peyton, taken at the back to school beach party. It was taken about six months before his mom died.

_Flashback_

"_Hey," Lucas said walking up to Peyton, where she was working the DJ booth._

"_Hey," Peyton said taking no notice of him._

"_Ready for senior year?"_

"_Sure, why not."_

"_Listen Pey, whatever happens, I'm here for you." Peyton looked up and met Lucas in the eye. For once in her life she could tell that he actually meant what he was saying. It'd been a long time since she'd heard those words and knew the person meant them._

"_Thanks."_

"_Well, I'm gonna go see how Haley's doing, but I'm around." Lucas turned and started walking away._

"_Hey Luke?"_

"_Yea?"_

"_You're a good guy."_

"_Thanks."_

_Flashback Ended_

He could remember that night so vividly. It was, what he considered, the night him and Peyton once again put aside everything they'd been through and became good friends. Brooke and him too had reconciled, but he found over the few months that the similarities he had with Peyton, and the obvious attraction just weren't there with him and Brooke. None of that mattered anymore; his heart was too cold to let anyone in.

Beginning to turn away, the picture fram on his dresser caught his eye. This one was of him and all his friends: Brooke, Peyton, Nathan, Haley, and the guys from the Rivercourt. All of them were smiling brightly at Haley and Nathan's wedding party. At the thought them all standing there, posing while his mother snapped a photo, he could feel anger rising inside of him. Quickly spinning around he began to walk towards his bed, then blood boiling he picked up his little stuffed basketball and threw it angrily at the frame. Hitting it dead on, it cracked and fell back landing with a crack on his dresser.

Laying down on his bed, Lucas reached into his nightstand, where he kept his xanax prescription. Taking just two pills out of the bottle, he quickly swallowed them dry and layed back hoping for sleep to come.

The Next Day

"Is it my imagination or are you guys getting soft on me?" Whitey yelled at the boys. "That's it, I've had enough! Divide up the team as usual and let's see a scrimmage." The team followed orders and played skins v. shirts. Lucas and Nathan were the guards on the skins team.

Nathan cringed inwardly as Lucas took off his shirt. How had he not noticed how thin he'd been getting? Was he eating? Come to think of it, he didn't really see him at lunch anymore.

"Nate, you playing or what?" Lucas called to him.

"Yeah, sorry." Receiving the ball the game began.

About halfway through the scrimmage Lucas could feel himself tiring out. Every muscle in his body screamed at him, his stomach was beginning to clench in hunger, but hunger was weakness and he was fighting it, conquering it. _Keep running. Keep going. Get your head in the game._

Lucas began shaking his head to fight off the white spots that were now clouding his vision.

"Luke man, you okay?" Nathan called to him.

"Yeah." Grabbing the ball, he took it out of bounds and threw it back into Nathan. _Deal with the pain. Fight like hell._

Shaking his head again, in attempts to clear it, Lucas tried to run down the court, but the whiteness was now winning. It was seeping into his brain and pulling him away from reality.

"Luke, you okay…" Nathan called, but his voice was far away; Lucas tried to answer, but he couldn't fine where the voice was even coming from. The white was pulling him deeper and deeper, until finally fighting was too hard, and he gave in, allowing his world to become black.

_To whom it may concern,_

_I'm writing this to let you know,_

_I give up, I quit, I'm done._

**Thank you for all of your wonderful reviews, they keep me very motivated to continue this story. Thanks!**


	9. Learning To Disappear

Chapter 9: Learning To Disappear

_Brush your perfect hair,_

_Put on that perfect smile_

_And pray no one sees how broken you are._

Nathan turned around to pass Lucas the ball just in time to see him go pale and fall to the floor. The smack of Luke's tall, thin body hitting the floor could be heard through the gym.

Running over to where his brother lay unconscious, Nathan kneeled down next to him and searched for a pulse. He let out a sigh of relief when he found that Lucas was indeed breathing and his pulse, though quick, didn't seem a cause for alarm.

Whitey was now kneeling beside Nathan checking over Lucas. "Give him some space," he said trying to get the team and also the cheerleaders who'd now gathered to back up. "Let's get him to the nurse," Whitey said quietly to Nathan, "you think you can lift him?"

"I'm not sure," Nathan replied, but put his arms under Lucas to try. Much to his surprise lifting Lucas turned out to be easy. "God," Nathan said mostly to himself.

"What is it?" Haley said, thinking that Lucas was too heavy for Nathan.

"He's so light." Nathan turned and made his way out of the gym carrying Lucas who was still completely out of it.

_Sweat inside your long sleeves,_

_Put Band-Aids on your hands_

_And keep thinking no one can see you bleed._

"Alright gentlemen, that's enough staring, let's get back to work," Whitey called out. The guys on the team all began running drills again. Brooke tried on the other end of the gym to get the cheerleaders back on track, but they seemed more worried about Lucas than learning any new cheers.

Peyton couldn't get over seeing Lucas fall to the floor. Without thinking, she dropped her pom poms and began walking towards the gym doors.

"Peyton, where are you going?" Brooke called. Peyton just looked back at her. "We need to finish this!"

"Brooke, there's more important things than the perfect cheer," Peyton replied coldly before walking out. She loved Brooke dearly, but she didn't think Brooke quite understood exactly how badly things were going for Lucas.

_Add color to your cheeks,_

_Put concealer under your eyes_

_And convince yourself no one sees you stumbling._

Peyton got to the nurses office just as Nathan was coming out. "Hey," Nate said.

"Hey, how is he?"

"Still unconscious. God, he was so light," Nate said putting his hands to his head. Looking into Peyton's eyes he asked, "How can someone get that thin without anyone noticing?"

"Easy, none of us wanted to see it. It's not your fault Nate, everyone missed it."

"I guess, I better get back to practice," Nathan said starting to walk away.

"Hey Nate," Peyton called to him.

"Yeah?"

"Luke's lucky to have you for a brother."

"Thanks." Peyton sighed before opening the door of the nurse's office. The nurse was over Lucas taking his pulse, but finished just as Peyton got in the small room where he was lying. "How is he?"

"He seems to be alright, but I'm worried about his weight. I need to go call his parents."

"His uncle."

"Yes, of course," the nurse said looking at her sadly. Peyton closed to the door quietly behind the nurse and took a seat in a chair beside the bed.

_Wear your baggy clothes,_

_Put on an extra jacket_

_And pretend no one sees your thinning frame._

"Come on Lucas, I need you to open your eyes now," Peyton whispered to him. "Okay, I don't know if you can hear me or not so I'm just gonna talk. Lucas you're gonna get through this, I promise." Nervous, Peyton picked up his hand and took it in hers. "I can't see you like this anymore. I can't because, because I love you and I don't know how to tell you when you're awake, but there it is." Peyton sat for a minute wishing that Lucas would open eyes. "Well I guess you're still not ready. It's probably better this way." Standing up she leaned over and gently kissed Lucas on the cheek then whispered quietly in his ear, "I'll wait forever if I have to." Peyton slipped out the door as a single tear slipped down her cheek.

_Close your eyes as the tears fall,_

_Keep quiet and don't make a sound_

_Pretty soon you'll fade away_

_Soon, you can disappear._

**Thanks everyone for reading. The poem is an original by me "Learning to Disappear" I know it didn't totally fit in all the way with Lucas, but I thought it fit enough. I hope you're still enjoying and it's not too depressing. It's going to get much worse for Lucas, but I promise in the end it will get better; though there'll be a couple twists. Please review. Sorry again this chapter is so short, but it's finals time!**


	10. Turn Your Back On Me

Chapter 10: Turn Your Back On Me

Lucas woke up in an unfamiliar place. Moving his head, still foggy from passing out, he could see that he was on a bed in a darkened room he recognized to be the nurse's office. The urge to roll over and fall back into unconsciousness was strong, but the nurse had noticed him waking up and walked over, busying herself by checking his pulse.

"How are you feeling dear?"

"I'm fine," Lucas replied, trying to sit up quickly. This however was a mistake and a wave of dizziness washed over him.

"Maybe you should just stay lying down until your uncle gets here."

"What?" Lucas sat up abruptly. "You called my uncle?"

"Yes, he's listed as your legal guardian. He should be here any minute to pick you up." As she said that Lucas heard a door open and he felt his stomach drop. "Oh that must be him. Excuse me." From where he was lying, Lucas could catch only parts of the nurse's conversation with Keith. He could hear words such as "underweight", "depressed", and "multivitamin." Then the door to his room opened again. "Your uncle will take you home now Lucas," the nurse said kindly.

Fighting the fuzziness in his head, Lucas slowly stood up and walked out of the room. Keith saw him and immediately turned and walked out the door. Lucas dreaded the car ride home, but grabbed his back pack and followed Keith out. He had to walk quickly to keep up with Keith and he could feel himself growing weaker. Finally they reached the car and he let out a breath of relief. Climbing into the truck he immediately rested his head against the cool glass.

The entire ride home, Keith didn't even look at Lucas. Silence hung inside the truck and Lucas closed his eyes wishing he were anywhere else but inside of it. After what seemed like forever they pulled up to the house. Keith got out quickly without even bothering to see if Lucas was okay. He walked in the house, slamming the door behind him, leaving Lucas outside in the truck. Feeling pain tug at his heart, Lucas put on his brave face, a task he'd become so used to and stepped out of the truck. Walking into the house he immediately went into his room.

Walking over to his dresser, he opened the top drawer. Digging around he found the bottle of Xanax and poured some in his hand. For a moment he hesitated, but still he picked up two and without bothering to get any water, swallowed them dry. Lying down on his bed he prepared to let himself fade for a few hours.

Rolling over, Lucas tried to pull the cover tighter around himself, unable to block out the icy cold that was penetrated his every bone. Giving into his thirst he pushed off the covers and began stumbling to the bathroom. When he reaches the doorway, he grabs the wall for support as a wave of dizziness washes over him. It passes and he allows his feet to step onto the cold tile floor of the bathroom. Looking over his shoulder and seeing no one, he closes and locks the door.

At the sink he rests his hands on the cold porcelain and stares at the figure in the mirror. Deep bags show on a face that has become pale and sunken. His lips are cracked and bleeding and the bones in his collarbone protrude harshly against his skin. Turning on the faucet, he cups his hands and brings water up to his parched lips. Turning the water off, he looks back into the mirror. The face he sees startles him. He wonders if anyone can see the fear in his eyes; the silent plea for someone to save him from this Hell.

Lucas puts his hands in his hair, bending over against the counter. He tugs at his hair as if he's in pain. If only he could rid himself of the thoughts spinning around in his head. Unable to take it any longer he reaches up and runs his hand along the top shelf, searching. His hand finds the cold metal of the razor he knew was kept up there. Bringing the evil down in his fist he rests it on the countertop in front of him. With a shaking hand, he lifts the blade and brings it to rest against his arm, a few inches down from his elbow. He raises his eyes to the ceiling, knowing nothing can stop him now. In a quick downward motion he makes a cut. For a moment nothing happens, but then quickly blood begins to ooze out.

Tears spring to his eyes as he one more gazes towards the mirror. The image now is of a broken boy. A boy whose lost his way.

His legs give out and bony knees crack angrily as they hit the floor. He lies down on his stomach too weak and empty to bother getting back up. The blood from his arm is now pouring onto the gray floor. He watches as his tear and crimson splatter against the tile. He lies, tears subsiding, and eyes growing heavy. An involuntary shiver courses through his body, causing even more pain.

The numbness begins to set in. He can feel himself drifting. One final tear, a drop of liquid sadness, falls to the floor as he gives into sleep. He drifts off silently pleading for someone to save him. He's so tired of being strong.

_I wish when you looked in my eyes_

_You could see all my pain._

_I wish you could see past this illusion I've created_

_Into the part of me that begs to be free._

_I wish you could see how empty I've become._

Sorry it has been so long, but thank you to everyone who has been so faithful. I'm finally feeling better so hopefully i'll be able to update more frequently. I apologize for the long delays between my chapter and also for this one being so short. I hope you're still enjoying the story and will continue to read. Thank you!

* * *


	11. Save Me, I Don't Wanna Go

Thank you everyone for being so patient with me. I'm officially done with high school and hope to dedicate a lot more time to this story throughout the summer. I'm sorry this chapter is short but I needed to end this one that was in progress and regain my thoughts. Thank you everyone for your continuing support.

Chapter 11: Save Me, I Don't Wanna Go

"Okay ladies, that's it for today," Brooke said setting her poms down. "Obviously were a little too distracted to continue." Peyton sighed in relief and walked quickly to the bleachers where she hastily threw her stuff in her bag. Grabbing her keys, she rushed out the door.

On the way to Lucas's house, Peyton could not stop the thoughts from swirling through her head. The image of Lucas lying lifeless on the gym floor was stamped in her memory. She remembers the terror, the moment of sheer horror as she watched the one person she loved fall to the ground with a sickening thud.

Reaching over she turns on the radio to try and block the thoughts. The Fray's, "How to Save a Life" fills her car and she wishes she could change the station, but she is mesmerized by the lyrics. Getting a sinking filling in her gut, the kind they say people get when someone they love is hurt, she pushes harder on the gas pedal.

After five agonizing minutes, Peyton pulls abruptly into Lucas's driveway. Leaping out of the car, she raced to Lucas's side door and began knocking. She hardly waits ten seconds before trying the doorknob. Finding it unlocked, she opens it and steps inside. The bed is unmade and clothes are strewn about the floor. She thinks for a moment that he must not be home, but then she sees his backpack on the floor. She takes a step back and does another survey of the room. She notices his closet door open, but the door on the right closed. Then she remembers that before his mom died she had a bathroom added on for him. At first she sees nothing alarming, but then something catches her eye. In the gap between the door and the floor is a shadow of what looks like a hand.

Peyton felt as though her heart stopped in her chest, as she raced toward the door. Trying the knob she finds it locked. Hands shaking with nerves, she grabs a bobby pin from her hair and begins to jimmy the lock. Finally she hears a click and pushes open the door.

A sob chokes from her mouth at the sight in front of her. Lucas lies on the floor, his body completely limp. By his arm there sits a puddle of blood that is still growing from a gash on his arm. A bloody razor blade lies on the ground a couple feet away.

Peyton falls to her knees beside him, unsure if he's even still alive. She finds a pulse, though somewhat weak. Looking around she spots a towel which she grabs and wraps around his arm to stop the bleeding.

"Come on Lucas," Peyton pleads. "You need to wake up for me sweetie." Blood was quickly staining the towel. Desperately looking around, Peyton spots the bottle of Aspirin on the sink. "Shit!" Now she remembers Lucas mentioning at lunch that he had a headache, and when she offered him Tylenol, he'd turned it down saying he'd taken some of what was his mom's Aspirin because Keith hadn't bought more Ibuprofen. "Damnit Lucas! Aspirin thins the blood."

Racing to grab her purse in his room, she dumps out its contents in a frantic search for her phone. Punching in

9-1-1, she races back into the bathroom and continues to try and slow the bleeding. "Pick up, pick up."

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Yes my friend," she says choking back a sob, "he's cut his arm and I can't stop the bleeding."

"Okay, just stay calm. Can I get the address?"

"Um…2211 Parkridge. Please hurry!"

"An ambulance is on its way." Peyton hung up and squeezed the towel with both hands.

"Come on Lucas," she cried, tears streaming down her face. "I almost lost you once; don't do this to me again." Peyton heard sirens and ran to open the door. Seeing her, the ambulance stopped and three paramedics quickly got out, grabbing a gurney. "He's in the bathroom," she shouted pointing to the opening door.

Immediately the paramedics swarmed around Lucas, checking his pulse and surveying the wound. "Pulse is weak and thready," one said. The youngest looking of the three turned to Peyton, who was hovering just outside the door, and asked her something, but she couldn't make it out.

"What?"

"Do you know if he took anything?"

"Yea, Aspirin for a headache."

"Did he take anything else?"

No was right on the tip of her tongue, but as she was about to reply she realized, she didn't know anymore. He'd become so distant. "I…don't know," she said starting a fresh set of tears. The paramedic accepted that answer and went back to helping the others work on Lucas. They had his arm wrapped in heavy gauze now and a breathing mask on him.

"Okay, move him on three." They got him on the gurney. "Are you riding with him?" one of them asked Peyton.

"Yes." As they moved him, Peyton looked over her shoulder and saw Keith passed out in a chair in the family room. She turned away with a look of disgust.

In the ambulance, she sat in the corner out of the way while the paramedics continued their work on Lucas. The driver called the hospital over the radio. "17 year old male. Significant blood loss. Make sure a trauma room is clear and prepare for transfusions." Peyton couldn't believe this was happening. Lucas was such a good guy.

The next minutes became a blur for Peyton as she sat in an ambulance watching the love of her life hanging on the balance between life and death. He looked so pale and lifeless lying there on the stretcher. She wanted nothing more than to just hold him and make everything better, but she knew that this time she couldn't.

Now it was time to play the waiting game. Peyton had watched as Lucas was wheeled behind the double doors of the emergency room and she was shown to the waiting room, where several other people sat waiting, looking troubled. Picking up her cell phone she began to dial Nathan's number.

"Ma'am, I'm afraid you'll have to either use the payphone or call outside. No cell phones in the hospital," a nurse called to her from the desk.

"Right, sorry," Peyton said and quickly walked through the automatic doors and into the warm evening.

"Hello?" Nathan answered. Haley sat cuddled up beside him on the couch. The two had just gotten back from shopping and were now relaxing in front of the television.

"Nate, it's Lucas, he's…" Peyton broke off choking back sobs.

"Peyton?" Nathan said removing his arm from around Haley and sitting up straighter showing his worry. Haley next to him sat up wondering anxiously to know who it was. She had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that something had happened.

"Yea, I found Lucas this afternoon. Nate, he…he tried to kill himself."

"What?" Nathan now stood up. "You must be wrong; I mean it had to have been an accident."

"It was no accident Nate. I found him in the bathroom; he cut his wrist. Please just come to the hospital." With that she hung up.

"Who was it?" Haley asked desperate for an answer, "What happened?"

"It was Peyton," Nathan said staring down at his phone. "Lucas is in the hospital. He cut his wrist. He tried to kill himself Haley."

"Oh my god," Haley said covering her mouth. Nathan went and wrapped his arms around his wife.

"We should get to the hospital. Peyton probably needs the support."

Back at the hospital, Peyton hung up her phone and leaned back against the cold concrete wall of the hospital building. It was early evening and a storm was on its way. Dark clouds rolled in, covering the sun, and lightening flashed in the distance followed by the occasional rumble of thunder.

It seemed fitting to her. That outside was so dark, like something bad was approaching. It suited her mood. Everything was falling apart and she couldn't figure out for the life of her how to put things back together. Things she could fix, but people were a mystery to her. The cool wind blew fiercely whipping her curls around her face. The rain started to fall, but she didn't go inside. She stood there as the pellets of rain increased in quantity and speed and let them fall about her, wetting her clothes and hair.

Peyton loved the rain because no one can tell that you're crying. Sitting there in the growing cold, Peyton slumped to the asphalt and let her tears fall mixing with the rain.


	12. Saving Grace

Thank you for being such faithful readers. This chapter has a lot from Nathan's POV. Deb is good in this story and Nathan still has contact with her. Dan might come in to play some later. Things will get better for Lucas, I promise, but I must warn you at first though it'll look better he's still got a bumpy ride until someone catches him. Enjoy and keep reading please. Reviews make me very happy. Let's me know people still want me to continue. I know my story isn't the most upbeat thing, but it'll get a few more happy chapters in the end and some Naley.

Chapter 12: Saving Grace

_When your pain becomes too much_

_Don't give up, let down your guard_

_Because even though you haven't noticed yet_

_She's your saving grace and she'll never let you go._

That's how Nathan and Haley found Peyton when they rushed towards the hospital. She was crumpled over several feet from the doors, shaking from a mixture of cold rain and silent sobs racking her body. Nathan leaned down next to her and went to wrap his arms around her. She pulled back, but Nathan only held tighter, pulling her close until she gave in and sobbed into his chest. He sat like that for awhile until she tired herself out from crying and grew slack in his arms. He sat there holding her, looking down at the strong girl he'd always known who now looked so broken. Still holding her, he slowly stood them both up. "Are you ready to go back in?" he asked her. He felt as though he were speaking to a child who'd just had a nightmare.

Her response of yes was so quiet he could barely hear it. Leading her inside he took Haley's hand, she had been watching the scene in a daze, and squeezed it to offer some reassurance. She offered him a weak smile, but he knew she was scared out of her mind. They walked into the hospital and found the waiting room. Nathan found a couch for them and he sat down with Peyton on one side of him and Haley on the other. Nathan sat with Peyton leaning against him while Haley sat straight and still beside him. Peyton dozed off after only a few minutes, still shivering from the soaking wet clothes she was in. "Hales, I'm gonna go call my mom and have her bring Peyton some dry clothes of yours if that's all right."

"Yea, that's fine," she replied before returning to her previous position.

"He's gonna be just fine Hales, I promise." He bent over and kissed her on the forehead just holding her close for a moment. Nathan went out the first doors and called his mom. "Mom? I'm at the hospital…No she's fine…It's Lucas, he cut himself…bad…I wanted to know if you could bring Peyton some of Haley's clothes. She's soaking wet, she stood out in the rain crying...Thanks…" Sighing he shut his phone. Now it was Nathan's time to let his guard down. "How could you do this Lucas? How could you…" Nathan shouted desperately to no one before slamming his fist into the wall. A couple that was leaving the hospital looked at him strangely. He ignored them and walked back in. A nurse saw him enter, and saw his bloody hand.

"Sir are you injured? It looks like your hand is broken," a nurse said coming up to him.

"I'm fine. It's just a cut," he spat brushing her off and walking back to where Peyton and Haley were. His mind was spinning. He wasn't good in these situations. He walked to Haley and whispered, "Babe, do you want me to get you a cup of coffee or something to eat?"

"Coffee would be nice, and you better get one for Peyton." At least she was talking more he thought to himself. Nathan found a coffee machine and got to cups from it, buying himself a pepsi. As he was walking back his mom was walking in and he nodded to wear Haley and Peyton were.

"Here you go." He handed Haley her coffee. Deb walked over to Peyton and gently nudged her awake. Peyton rolled over and opened her eyes, taking a moment to remember where she was. The confusion left her face as the hurt and lost look returned.

"Let's get you out of these wet clothes sweetie," Deb spoke as though Peyton were a child. "We'll just go the bathroom." Peyton just stood up silently and went with Deb who had her arm around Peyton' shoulder.

Meanwhile Nathan sat down on the couch and put both his legs up bringing Haley to rest in between him. He held her as close to him as he could get, almost as if he wanted to share her pain, to make it easier on her. Haley turned and buried her head in his chest. "It'll be okay. He loves you too much to give up."

"In the midst of loss people lose sight of love," she deadpanned.

"That's not going to happen. He's going to fight and beat this, I know it." Haley admired Nathan's confidence and let herself sink into his embrace as she let her tired eyes close. Peyton and Deb returned with Peyton now wearing dry clothes. They waited in silence and after an agonizing 45 minutes they finally heard a doctor, "Anyone here for Lucas Scott?"

"Yes, I'm his brother Nathan. How is he?" Nathan stood up along with Haley and Peyton.

"He lost a good amount of blood and we had to give him a transfusion. We also had to sedate him because he woke up and was fighting the doctors and removing his IV. He's asleep now, but the sedative should wear off shortly. We've moved him to room 224 if you'd like to go see him," the doctor said calmly. "He should be fine, but we'll keep him overnight. The question has been asked if we should admit him to the psych ward or if you would like us to recommend a therapist."

"I think a therapist would be better. We'd rather him be home if that's all right."

"Yes, that's fine. He'll be released in the morning."

"Thank you doctor," he said to the doctor's retreating back. "Peyton, do you want to visit him first?"

"Do you guys mind?" she asked timidly.

"No, we'll grab a snack and then come up," Haley said.

"Thanks." Peyton walked slowly to the elevator and once inside tried to slow her breathing. She knew that Lucas would be fine, but she knew that things wouldn't just get better after this incident. He was still in a great deal of pain and she needed to know that he'd be okay. As the elevator stopped she stood up straight, her fists at her side, bracing herself for what was to come.

Peyton walked into Lucas's room and took a breath. He was hooked up to an IV and heart monitor. His wrists were bandaged. He was still asleep. She pulled a chair up to the side of his bed and took his hand. She couldn't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks. "Lucas you can't scare me like that ever again. I thought I'd lost you when I saw you on the ground." She reached up to wipe her eyes.

She looked at him. His face was thin and drawn, he had bags under his eyes, and even in his sleep he looked troubled. "I know last time I was sitting here I told you I'd wait forever, but I can't, I won't. I need you now Lucas. I need you to let me in. I'm not willing to sit by and let you disappear from my life. I'm pulling you back from the ledge even if you kick and scream the whole way. I know you're asleep, but Lucas this is me telling you that forever is now because I love you too much to be without you." Exhausted from baring her soul, Peyton let her head fall onto the bed beside Lucas's hand. She must have sat there for about 5 minutes when she felt Lucas's hand move in hers. She looked up and saw his eyes flutter open. "Lucas…"

"I'm so tired…" he whispered.

"Just rest, you're okay now," she said now crying tears of relief.

"Don't leave me," he said, his eyes shutting.

"I won't. I promise." With that he drifted back asleep.

Nathan and Haley gave Peyton a half an hour, but then finding they could wait no longer they made their way to Lucas's room. Walking into the room they saw Peyton with her head on the bed holding Lucas's head. "Has he woken up yet?" Nathan asked breaking the silence. Peyton lifted her head up upon hearing his voice.

"Yea, but only for a minute. All he said was don't leave me."

"He loves you Peyton. He's just too scared to open his heart right now," Haley said.

"I know, but I don't know if I can wait," she said sadly.

"He'll come around soon. I just know it." Haley walked over to the bed and leaned over to kiss Lucas on the cheek. "I love you buddy, but if you ever do this again I swear I'll kill you myself," she said, but tears were streaming down her face.

"Lucas," Nathan said, "I love you man. You can't do this to me. You're killing yourself and us."

They sat there in silence occasionally dozing off while waiting for Lucas to wake up. Lucas awoke to find that all his friends were asleep. He noticed Peyton was still holding his hand and squeezed hers. Peyton woke up and saw that he was awake. "You're awake."

"I'm sorry," he spoke softly. "I didn't mean for it to be that bad."

"I don't care. You can't do it anymore. That bad or not it's not good. One mistake, that's all it takes. A few more minutes and you could have been dead," she spoke her voice full of anger and sadness.

"I know."

"No, I don't think you do know! My heart stopped when I saw you like that, Luke. I thought you were dead! Do you know what that felt like? It felt like my entire world had been ripped away!" Nathan and Haley woke up as soon as Peyton began screaming at Lucas. They both just sat there in silence realizing that Lucas needed to hear this, and he needed to hear it from Peyton.

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because I love you, damnit! I love you!" With that Peyton ran out of the room. Lucas laid his head back on his pillow.

"She's right Lucas," Haley spoke now. "You can't keep going on like this."

"I know. So, are they locking me up?"

"No, they said as long as you agree to go to a therapist they'll release you. It's your choice."

"That's fine," he said. They could hear in his voice that he was too tired to fight it. He was too deep in his own pain to even care what anyone did to him.

"Visiting hours are over," a nurse said sticking her head in the room. "You can return tomorrow at. It says on his chart that Lucas will be released anytime after 10 AM."

"Thanks." Nathan and Haley got up and walked over to Lucas. Haley leaned over and gave Lucas a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Lucas embraced her back, but felt nothing. He couldn't remember how to feel. Nathan touched Lucas's shoulder.

"Get some rest. We'll come back and get you at 10."

"Thanks," Lucas replied. As soon as Nathan and Haley left Lucas closed his eyes. He'd been found out. He knew he should stop, but he couldn't. _I'll just have to learn to hide it better. I've been careless, that's all._

_Smile and no one will know what you're hiding_

_Laugh and no one will see your pain_

_Keep telling your lies_

_Smile and no one will ever have to know_


	13. A Bad Dream

Chapter 13: A Bad Dream

_I wake up, it's a bad dream,_

_No one on my side,_

_I was fighting,_

_But I just feel too tired_

_To be fighting,_

_Guess I'm not the fighting kind._

_-Keane_

The hospital was silent. It was late at night and there was no movement out in the halls. Lucas lay in his bed tossing and turning in his sleep stuck in the midst of a dream…

_Lucas was running down the court quickly catching up with his man and guarding his way to the basket. The other player tried to get a pass by him, but Lucas caught it and started dribbling down the court. He passed it to Tim, who quickly passed it off to Nathan. Nathan rushed down the court and went up for a slam dunk. The fans applauded, but it was somewhat quiet. That's when the team looked over to the sideline and saw two cops talking to Whitey. Lucas saw Whitey and the cops looking at him and his stomach dropped. He didn't know how, but he just knew something was wrong._

_Whitey motioned for Lucas to come over there. Lucas numbly walked over there, completely oblivious to everything around him. All he could hear was his heart beating in his chest. "Son," Whitey said when he reached him, "There's been an accident." Lucas didn't need to hear anymore. "Lucas," Whitey said knowing the boy was beginning to drift away, "your mom is in the hospital. These officers are going to take you there and Keith will meet you. Okay?" Lucas didn't answer, he couldn't find his voice. "Lucas?" He solemnly nodded._

"_Let's go son," the officer told him. He walked out of the gym following the officer. Everything had gone silent. The officer was talking, but he couldn't make out a word of what he was saying. He was led to a police car and got in unfeeling. The entire ride there he was silent. Lucas reached the hospital and becoming aware of what was happening quickly walked into the emergency room. Keith was sitting in a chair in the waiting room and Lucas quickly walked over and sat next to him. _

"_What happened?" Keith looked up at him tears streaming down his face._

"_She was on her way to your game. She tried to make a yellow light and someone went too early and hit her side of the car." Lucas felt his heart break. This was his fault, he thought. He'd been a jerk and told her to be on time for his game for once. If he hadn't have said anything she wouldn't be here, she wouldn't be in this position. 30 minutes had passed and Haley, Nathan, Brooke, Peyton and Jake rushed in. Haley ran up to him and gave him a huge hug. He let his head drop onto her shoulder as tears finally came. _

"_It's going to be okay Luke. She's a fighter," Haley whispered. All of them sat down and waited. About an hour later they finally saw a doctor walking in their direction. Everyone stood up. _

"_Are you the family of Karen Roe?" he asked._

"_I'm her son," Lucas replied. "Is she okay?"_

"_Your mother sustained a lot of serious injuries. She had a collapsed lung and her spleen burst from the steering wheel impact. She had internal bleeding and broke most of the bones in her arms and legs. She also suffered from severe head trauma. I'm sorry, but her injuries were just too severe."_

"_What…what are you saying?" Lucas stuttered out._

"_I'm sorry. She's gone." The doctor looked at Lucas, "Normally I would let the family go sit with their loved one, but I don't think it a good idea in this case." With that the doctor walked away._

"_No, No, this can't be happening," Lucas said. "This isn't right, it can't be right." Keith stood their unmoving and Lucas was numb. He could no longer hear his friends trying to comfort him. He turned and ran out of the hospital. He kept running…maybe he'd escape everything._

Lucas jerked upright in bed terrified. He could remember the dream vividly and it made bile rise in his throat. His shirt was soaked with sweat and his heart was racing. He couldn't be here any longer. He didn't need to be. He had to get out of here.

Quietly, trying not to make any sound at all, Lucas got out of bed. He removed his IV turning off the machine so it wouldn't make any noise. He did the same to the heart monitor. Finding his jeans in the chair he picked them up and put them on. His shirt was nowhere to be found so he figured he just have to do without it. He opened his door and looked both ways in the hallway. He didn't see anyone so he slowly went into the hall looking for the nearest exit. He made it to the stairwell and went down seeing the exit right across the hall. There were people at the desk so he had to wait several minutes until the nurse went into the back. He darted across the hall and out of the hospital. It was a cool night and Lucas shivered slightly in the breeze. He started walking and realized he couldn't go home. He didn't have a home. He knew where he'd have to go and set off in that direction.

Just as he was growing weary from the walk, Lucas reached his destination. Knocking at the door in front of him he waited for an answer. The door opened and the person who answered looked shocked to see him.

"Lucas? What are you doing here?" The curly blonde in front of him ushered him in the door. "Where is your shirt? Luke, you're freezing." Peyton grabbed Lucas by the arm and pulled him into her house all the way. She led him to the couch more worried about getting him warm before she started asking questions. She let him sit on the couch and then grabbed a blanket and put it around his shoulders. Sitting down next to him she knew she needed some answers. "Lucas did you leave the hospital?"

"Yes." His answer was barely audible.

"Lucas, you can't just leave the hospital. Why did you do it?" Peyton looked at Lucas with concern. He had his face nearly buried in the blanket she'd put around him and he was still shivering. He didn't look at her. "Lucas, did something happen? You have to tell me why you left."

"I couldn't do it," he whispered. "I kept seeing it Peyton. She died there. It was my fault." Peyton's heart nearly broke hearing that and the desperate look on his face made her feel for him. Reaching over Peyton wrapped her arms around him. She didn't care if he didn't want anyone touching him right now; it was what he needed. Lucas let himself relax in her embrace and all the emotion he'd been holding in the past weeks came out. He cried in Peyton's arms, soaking her shoulder with his tears. His sobs shook his body. Peyton just held him, rubbing his back and whispering comforting words in his ear. His sobs became quieter and Peyton could feel him relaxing even more in her arms. His breathing evened out and she knew he was asleep. She carefully laid him back on the couch and covered him with the blanket.

She walked to the phone and called Nathan. He picked up on the first ring. "Nathan, you and Haley need to get over here."

_I wake up thinking the dream has passed_

_But then I remember, _

_I'm trapped in this nightmare  
_


	14. I Want to Live

Peyton sat back down on the bed and brushed Lucas's backs out of his eyes. While she was doing this he seemed to visibly relax in his sleep. His breathing evened out and he let out a sigh. Someone knocked on the door and Peyton got up to answer it. Nathan and Haley walked into the room quietly shutting the door behind them.

"Peyton, what's going on?" Then Nathan saw Lucas lying in her bed fast asleep. "Did Lucas get released?"

"No, he showed up in the middle of the night with no shirt on, shivering. He said he kept remembering the night his mom died and he had to get away. This is it though. We have to get him to admit that he needs help." Lucas stirred from the bed and his eyes flickered open. He saw Nathan, Haley and Peyton looking at him and gently lifted himself into a sitting position.

"What's going on?"

"Lucas," Peyton said sitting beside him, "we need to get you help."

"I don't need help," he said forcefully, "I told you I'm fine."

"No you're not," Nathan said moving closer to the bed. "You're taking drugs, you're wasting away; I can see every bone in your body, and on top of that you were just in the hospital because you cut yourself!"

"I made one little mistake."

"That one little mistake nearly cost you your life," Haley said cutting in.

"Lucas, you can't do this to yourself, you can't do this to us. You're breaking my heart. I will stand by you forever, but I refuse to let you keep hurting yourself."

"What does it matter," he said forlornly. "Why do you even care?"

"Because I love you Lucas, I'm in love with you. Do you realize how much losing you would hurt me? I don't think I'd ever recover from that Luke." Peyton was nearly begging Lucas now. "Please Lucas, just admit you need help."

"I can't," he whispered.

"Why not," Haley responded quietly.

"Because it will hurt too much, without the drugs, without the physical pain the pain is bone-crushing."

"Lucas, I know it hurts, but you'll get through it, we'll get you through it. We'll be here every step of the way," Nathan said.

"You know that Luke," Haley told him. "You can call any of us at any time and we'll take you out to distract you, we'll talk to you, lend you our shoulder to cry on, or just sit with you so you know we're here."

"Please Lucas," Peyton told him, "Admit that you need help. Do it for me." She looked at him and she could tell that he was fighting a battle in his mind, trying to find the words to say. Looking down at the covers he let slip a few tears.

"I need help. I don't want to die," he cried. The dam broke and the tears spilled forth. Peyton ran over to him and embraced him. "I don't want to die, I don't want to die," he cried.

"You're not going to Luke, we won't let you," she said rubbing his back. "We're going to get you through this."

"You're going to be fine," Haley said as her and Nathan sat down on the bed as well.

"We're gonna get you through this big brother. I promise." They sat there while Peyton lay beside Lucas holding him as he cried. But they knew it was going to get better; knew this was a turning point. For once they knew it was going to be okay.

_One boy _

_Living in a cold, cruel world._

_One set of baby blue eyes_

_Fighting back the tears_

_One broken heart_

_Forgotten by the world_

_One more day _

_To fight his way through_

_One girl_

_With a heart of gold_

_One word_

_To ease the pain_

_One hug_

_To embrace his sorrow_

_One girl_

_And he has hope for tomorrow_

_Thank you so much for sticking with my story. I know it's taking me awhile to update, but I started college this year, and unfortunately I'm not doing the greatest so much of my time has been studying. I haven't even had time to read an enjoyable book. The holiday is coming up soon though so hopefully I'll get in some more updates. I also know this is a short chapter, but I have finals coming up; I just wanted to give you guys something to let you know I haven't abandoned my story. Aren't you happy things have turned around a little? This poem is an original by me. It is normally switched around "meaning One girl living in a cold cruel world," but I decided to switch it to make it fit the story. THANKS for reading!!  
_


	15. For You I Will

15. For You, I Will

_You are pulled from the wreckage_

_Of__ your silent reverie_

_You're in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort there_

Lucas fell asleep in Peyton's arms as evening turned to dusk. "Do you two want to stay in the guest room?" Peyton asked.

"We might as well," Nathan said shrugging at Haley.

"Sounds fine to me, we'll be here to talk to Lucas in the morning. At least he's finally admitted he needs help. Thinks can only go up from here." Nathan kissed Haley admiring his wife. He still couldn't get over how lucky he was to have her love him. Together they walked away to the guest room. "Nathan, I love you, you know that?" Haley said as they pulled down the covers.

"And I love you, more than you'll ever know. I'm the luckiest guy in the world," he replied wrapping his arms around her. Haley laid her head on his chest and Nathan felt her breathing even out and knew she'd fallen asleep. Wrapping his arms around her he finally fell into a content sleep knowing that everything was going to be alright.

Peyton woke up early and pulled herself away from Lucas trying not to wake him. He stirred, but rolled over and fell back asleep. She walked over to his dresser and quietly opened the drawer. She looked through his clothes until she found what she was looking for: a bottle of Xanax. She took the bottle and went into the bathroom where she proceeded to flush the pills down the toilet. Then she rummaged through his medicine cabinet and removed a bottle of pain killers from after his accident and a razor blade. She then flushed the pills and disposed of the razor. Leaving the room she walked into the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets only to find that they were bare. Grabbing her coat and purse she set out to grab food from the store.

Lucas' eyes flickered open. He had a headache and could feel the heavy burden of pain on his chest. He knew that he had become addicted to his pills and he had to have them. Getting up slowly he went to his drawer prepared to take some. Imagine his surprise when he couldn't find them anywhere. Desperately he searched for them. Maybe he had put them somewhere different in his stupor. He searched through every drawer and spot in his room.

Peyton walked back in the house with bags of food and set them on the counter. She grabbed out a carton of eggs and began looking for a pan when Lucas emerged from his room. "Good morning," she said cheerily.

"Where are they?" he demanded. "Where did you put them Peyton."

"I flushed them," she said knowing what he was talking about.

"You did what? Peyton, I need those pills!" He went towards her his eyes red and wild. She had never seen him like this. "I need those pills damnit," he said shaking her. "What have you done?"

"Lucas, you don't need them. You only think you do." She knew he was beginning to withdrawl. "Lucas look at me," she said grabbing him by the shoulders, "We're going to get through this, but you have to help. I'm not going to give you the pills." He put his head into his hands and retreated back into the bedroom. Curling up he tried to block out the world. He tossed and turned eventually falling back into a restless slumber. Peyton sat next to him on the bed stroking his hair while he slept.

When Lucas woke up he had cooled down some. He went out into the living room where Haley, Nathan and Peyton were sitting around eating and talking. They all looked at him when he entered. Peyton finally broke the awkward silence, "Do you want a sandwich Luke?"

He really didn't want to say yes, he'd gotten so use to not eating, but he knewt hat it would make her happy, "sure". He sat down on the chair across from Nathan and Haley. Once Peyton brought him his sandwich she sat on the couch also. He knew it was only a matter of time before they would have to talk about the situation at hand.

"Luke," Haley spoke, "I know you don't want to deal with this, but you have to. The nurse at the hospital gave us the number of a therapist and I think it would be good for you to go talk to her."

"I don't need to pay to sit around and talk about my feelings," Lucas spat out.

"You don't have a choice," Nathan said. "It's that or we'll put you in rehab for the pill addiction." Nathan knew he was being harsh, but if an ultimatum was the only way to get him help then he was prepared to play the role of an ass.

"You wouldn't do that."

"I assure you Lucas, I would." Peyton kneeled in front of Lucas.

"Luke I love you. I'll spend forever with you if you'll let me; for better or for worse, but only you can choose to get better. If you won't do it for yourself Lucas, do it for me. If you don't get help you're never going to reach your dreams. I know the Lucas I love is in there somewhere. The Lucas who wants to be a writer, who wants to play basketball, the Lucas who's dream was to have a son and raise him to be a great person. I know he's in there somewhere and I will fight for him, but you have to fight too." Lucas looked in her eyes and saw her fighting back the tears. He heard the desperation in her voice.

"I'll do it, for you…and for me. I love you too Peyton, always and forever. I want forever to start now," he pulled her onto his lap and kissed her deeply.

"Forever," Peyton whispered before kissing him again.

**I'm sure everyone is relieved to see Lucas is finally getting better. He'll still have a few bumps, but there's only room to go up. There will be more Naley in the further chapters and more Leyton. Other story lines will now come into play. Any ideas are welcome. I'd love them. Thank you so much for reading. The italics are Sarah McLachlan's "Angel".**


	16. Good Plan, Bad Outcome

Chapter 16: Good Plan, Bad Outcome

The therapist sat in the chair looking at Lucas. Lucas was silently looking at the floor. He walked in and saw the impressively decorated office where Dr. Shaw sat looking at him, judging him. The man was middle aged, with brown hair that was beginning to gray and glasses that sat low on his nose. As soon as he got there Lucas realized he had no desire to talk to this man and that nothing he said was going to make his pain go away.

"So Lucas, why did you come for help if you're not going to talk?" Luke figured that he'd at least answer the man's questions that weren't deep and prying. It had to be better than just sitting there.

"My girlfriend made me promise I'd go."

"So you're not here because you want to be?" The man was staring so intently that Lucas was getting angry. _What the hell does this guy know about anything? I bet he didn't lose a parent when he was young._

"No, I don't think talking to some shrink is going to help. You can sit there and analyze me all you want, but you'll never understand."

"Maybe you should make me understand Lucas."

"Okay when you know how it feels to be in such excruciating emotional pain that you fall to the ground, when you take pills to feel numb, when food is no longer appealing. When people look at you with pity, when you want to just scream, when you try to run so fast and so long that maybe you'll run away from yourself, only then could you ever understand. So you see you'll never understand. Nothing I say will make you," he spoke harshly.

"Maybe you should try. I think your mom would want you to get help Lucas."

With that Lucas snapped. He stood up, rage surging through his body, "You don't know what the Hell my mother would want. She's obviously not around to tell us now is she?" With that he stormed out of the office slamming the door behind him. He quickly strode to the elevator pushing the button harder than necessary. As soon as the doors closed he turned away and punched the side of the elevator. He could feel the pain radiating through his hand, but he welcomed it. Getting out of the elevator he exited the building. Peyton was outside sitting on a bench sketching, waiting for him.

"Luke, you're early." Then she saw the look on his face and knew something had gone wrong. "Luke what's wrong." He kept walking past her so she grabbed his arm, but he just shrugged her off. "Luke what happened?" But it was too late he had started running.

Once he started running he couldn't stop. He didn't stop until he reached his house. Leaning over he gasped for breath, his lungs on fire. As the adrenaline wore off he could feel himself crashing. A few tears ran down his cheeks and he swiped at them angrily. Going in his side door he leaned against his dresser. Looking up he saw his face in the mirror. _You're pathetic. You're going nowhere in life. I hate you. _Picking up a ball he stepped back and threw it at his reflection shattering the mirror into pieces. They say a broken heart is like a broken mirror. You can try to put it back together again, but it will never be the same and you will always see all the cracks. Sitting down on his bed he made a decision and picked up the phone.

"The Tim speaking," Lucas rolled his eyes.

"Hey, it's Lucas."

"Hey Pucas what do you want."

"I need a favor. I need some pills, something to make me feel numb."

"Do you have money?"

"Yea, please just get me something as soon as you can."

"Sounding desperate there Scott. Well I'll help you out since I need the business. Meet me at the river court in half an hour." With that he hung up. Twenty minutes later Lucas began his walk to the river court. He knew he was headed down a dangerous path, but at the very moment he didn't even care. This was his one escape and damned if he was going to let anyone take it away from him. Tim was waiting for him. "You got my money Scott?" Lucas reached in his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. "Here ya go," Tim said handing him a packet of little white pills. "This will make you numb alright."

Lucas nodded and walked away. As he walked he reached into his pocket and took out two pills and swallowed them. When he got back to his bedroom he lied down on his bed and waited for the numbness to set in. He fell back into the same trap, barely even realizing he was falling.

_Everybody's screaming_

_I try to make a sound but no one hears me_

_I'm slipping off the edge__I_

_'m hanging by a thread_

_I __wanna__ start this over again_

_**Sorry it's been so long. College is crazy right now. Nursing school is proving to be as hard as they say it is. Anyway I don't know if I should end this story or not, but I'm hoping to update a lot more. I've got some ideas if you want me to keep going. Someone getting angry with Keith, Dan possibly acknowledging his other son, will Lucas need help with his addiction? Will anyone even find out about it and if they do will it be too late. Just let me know. Sorry my chapters are so short. I just get this perfect ending and I think it's so serious that I need to stop there. "Untitled" belongs to Simple Plan.**_


	17. Things Aren't Always What They Seem

Chapter 17: Things Aren't Always What They Seem

Lucas was standing at his locker grabbing his books for his first period class. Looking to see if anyone was around he quickly took out the packet of pills and put two in his mouth swallowing them down with water from his bottle. It was right after this that he felt Peyton near him. "Are you okay, Luke," she asked concerned. "Why did you run away yesterday? Did something happen?" Lucas turned towards her. _It's alright, just lie. She'll never know._

"I just got upset when he mentioned my mother. I overreacted, but it wasn't a good day." Peyton studied him to see if he was telling the truth and Lucas was relieved when her expression showed that she did.

"Will you still go back and talk to him again?" He saw that Peyton was really pushing for him to stay in therapy.

"Yes. But only because I adore my girlfriend."

"That's good. I mean she is pretty awesome." Peyton leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. Lucas deepened the kiss until they both pulled back for air. At that moment the bell rang and Lucas sighed. He was not in the mood to deal with English today. "Walk me to class?"

"Considering we have the class together I think that's a given," he laughed. Together they walked to the classroom both sitting in the back in adjacent chairs.

"Alright class, let's begin today by discussing last night's reading from "Romeo and Juliet". Do you think that Romeo should have been able to go on without Juliet, or was his suicide rationalized by his love for her?" Haley raised her hand. "Haley."

"I don't necessarily think suicide was the answer, but I like that Shakespeare gave us a real ending, not just the endings we want; The one where everyone lives happily ever after." Lucas raised his hand much to Mr. Shaw's surprise.

"Lucas," he said calling on the teen that had been silent since his mother's passing.

"I think Juliet's suicide is easily justified. She wakes up to find the man she loves, the one man who loved her dead. Why should she have to live her life in misery? I think that she made the right decision. Maybe her suicide wasn't terrible, but instead a beautiful tragedy." Lucas ended with that.

"Good point, anyone have anything to add on to that, or anyone disagree with his claim?" While Mr. Shaw called on the next person Lucas could feel the eyes of Peyton, Nathan and Haley on him. He put his head back down like he'd been doing for the last few weeks and waited for the time to pass. When the bell rang Lucas tried to sneak out of the classroom before his friends could catch up with him, but they did anyway.

"Lucas, you don't honestly think suicide is the answer, do you?" Haley asked with her hand on his arm. She looked truly concerned and he hated that he was putting her though this much pain.

"Of course not," he lied. "It was just a stupid comment about "Romeo and Juliet". I'm fine guys. I promise." The three teens still didn't look convinced, but they didn't try to argue it anymore.

"Alright, let's go eat because I for one am starving," Peyton said with a smile.

"Agreed," Nathan added. The four of them walked to the cafeteria. After getting their food they all went and sat down at a table. Haley, Nathan and Peyton began eating their food, but Lucas just played with his. _Why bother eating if nothing tastes good anymore. _Nathan was the first to notice that Luke was eating. "You better eat something. We're supposed to have a tough practice today."

"I'll be fine, I had a big breakfast." Nathan could tell that Lucas was lying.

"Luke I agree. You need to eat something. You've lost a lot of weight," Peyton added.

"Tell that to Whitey. I eat plenty it just gets burned off during practice." Just then the bell rang. Luke let out a breath of relief. _Saved by the bell._

Lucas made it through his next to classes by dozing off. None of the teachers bothered saying anything since he had good grades in all of his classes. When the final bell rang for the day Lucas put his books in his locker and grabbed his basketball clothes. "Hey boyfriend, good luck at practice."

"Thanks girlfriend. You have fun at cheerleading."

Whitey blew the whistle to start practice. "Suicides now," he barked out. Lucas began running as hard as he could determined to forget about everything. He got into his zone. Nathan looked over and saw how serious the look on Lucas' face was. He was really pushing himself and while a month ago Nate would have been thrilled, now he was just concerned. Lucas was pushing himself to hard. "One more then grab a drink of water."

Lucas ran faster than his body could take on the last suicide. The minute he stopped he could feel his stomach lurch. He made it to the trashcan just to empty what little was in his stomach. Nathan walked over to him and put his hand on his back. "Don't push too hard man. You're going to destroy your body." Wiping his mouth Lucas turned and looked at Nathan.

"Well when I'm making lay ups in the next game it'll be worth the pain." He walked back onto the court.

"You okay to keep going Scott?" Whitey asked.

"Of course coach, shouldn't have eaten such a big lunch." Whitey nodded his head while Nathan looked at Luke noting his lie of a big lunch. For the remainder of practice Lucas continued to run his hardest. Whitey was very pleased with him, but Nathan kept giving him looks which Lucas just ignored.

"Alright hit the showers guys and rest up tonight for tomorrow's game against Maplewood." The guys all started to walk into the locker room. Lucas walked straight to his locker and put on his tennis shoes. The other guys jumped in the showers, but Luke just walked out. _I'll just shower at home. _Nathan saw Lucas walking out and grabbed his bag and followed him.

"Luke, wait up," Nathan called out. "You want a ride home." Lucas was reluctant to accept the ride, but in the end his fatigue won over.

"Sure, that'd be good." At first the ride home was silent.

"So how are you doing big brother?" _Of course he has to ask a question. God forbid we don't talk on the ride home. _

"I wish people would stop asking that question. You know you get asked how are you from nearly every person you run into and you always say fine, because people don't want you to say anything else. That would entail them actually listening to your story."

"Yea, but I'm not just anybody. I'm actually concerned about you and want to hear what your current story is," Nathan said upset by Lucas' comment although it was true most of the time.

"I'm fine Nate. Everything's great. I have a wonderful girlfriend and good friends." Nathan didn't looked convinced in the least.

"What brought on this sudden change?"

"Why talking to my therapist of course," he said sarcastically.

"That's not true. Peyton said you left the office at a run."

"Yea well you try spilling your guts out to someone whose only motive is probably to make money off of listening to people whine about how terrible their lives are."

"Just give it a try Luke. If you actually talk to him you might find that it really does help."

"I'm doing just fine on my own," Lucas said harshly.

"Yea because taking pills, not eating, and drinking are definitely the answer. You can try and convince yourself all you want Lucas, but you're anything but fine and until you start acknowledging this you're never going to get better."

"Well maybe it's easier that way. Why should I bother fighting?"

"Why? Because you have loads of people who love you and care about what happens to you. Look at Peyton and Haley. They would do anything for you."

"Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe I don't want your help?" Lucas looked out the window wanting the conversation to end. _Of course we have to run into every red light possible._

"It doesn't matter if you want our help or not because you're going to get it anyway." They finally pulled up to Luke's house much to his relief. "I'm serious Luke. We're not giving up on you."

"Thanks for the ride," he said getting out of the car. Nathan was frustrated as he pulled up to his own house. As soon as he entered the door Dan was there.

"How was practice today son?"

"It was alright. Lucas threw up after running the suicides." Dan looked oddly pleased by this information.

"Kid must be out of shape. Oh well, now you can get looked at better during the games."

"Are you serious dad? He threw up because he was running to hard he made himself sick. God, listen to you. His mom just died and you're here pleased because he's sick. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Since when do you care so much about him?"

"I don't know since I realized that he is a good guy and more importantly my brother."

"Half brother."

"What the hell does it matter? He's your son."

"Shouldn't he be over his mom by now? I mean it's been weeks."

"Are you kidding me? He lost his mom dad! The person who raised him since you obviously didn't help. Oh and guess what Keith blames him for what happens. So not only did he lose his mom, but he lost the man who was practically his father. Now Keith sits in his stupid chair all day drinking!" Dan looked a little shocked at this news. Why on earth was Keith blaming Lucas. "So there you go dad. The son you abandoned and tried to take everything from now has nothing. Are you happy now?" With that Nathan went to his room and slammed the door behind him. Dan just stood there motionless for a few moments thinking about what Nathan had just told him. He'd never seen his song so angry at him. He went into the living room and poured himself a glass of scotch before sitting in his chair. Thinking over everything Nathan and said he wondered if a lot of this was his fault.

Meanwhile Lucas sat in his room listening to Keith in the living room fumbling around pouring another drink. Taking another pill he put in his Ipod and lied back to doze off. He slipped the pills into his side drawer inside his glasses case.

Peyton had just reached Lucas' house to check in on him. She had witnessed the entire scene at practice. Knocking on his door Lucas didn't answer. Figuring he must have his music turned up she turned the knob and walked in. Lucas had his Ipod in and was sleeping on his bed. Peyton walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. Lucas didn't even stir, but she wasn't worried. He must be exhausted she thought. She ran her hand through his hand noting how at peace he looked in his sleep. She wanted to take his pain away but she couldn't. Instead she crawled in bed with him and wrapped her arms around him. Lucas unconsciously wrapped his arms around her pulling her closer towards him. With her head on his chest she fell asleep to his steady breathing. If only holding him could take away all his pain she'd hold him forever.

_I will never let you fall_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

_**"Your Guardian Angel" belongs to the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus**  
_


	18. Not again

Chapter 18: Make the Pain Go Away

Lucas found himself walking to the river court. He had in his IPod and was listening to "Black and Blue" by Counting Crows. Secretly to nobody's knowledge he had written two suicide notes and addressed them. One of them was for Peyton and one was for Haley and Nathan. He wasn't sure if he'd ever need them, but he knew that if he did decide to kill himself it would be in a moment of extreme pain in which he wouldn't be able to write a note. Each night he picked them up from his night stand and held them. He would just run his finger along the address, tears streaming down his face, hoping that it wouldn't come to that. He was almost certain he wouldn't because he couldn't do that to Peyton. Not after he'd seen how desperate she had looked when he had been in the hospital.

When he reached the court he went and sat down on the bench. His insides physically hurt from the pain he was feeling. Falling to his knees he began to sob. His sobs were so forceful that he was hunched over clutching his stomach in agony. He sobbed for his mother and for himself. Why did this happen to him? He'd lost his mother, and he'd lost Keith. He couldn't take anymore loss or he knew he wouldn't make it. Once the tears stopped and he could no longer cry anymore he lied down on the court and curled up into the fetal position. He wondered if things would ever get better or if that was only false hope.

Haley was out taking a walk when she saw a figure lying on the court. She realized that it was Lucas and could see his red, blotchy face. She walked over to him and kneeled beside him. "Lucas, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You've been crying. Talk to me Lucas," Haley pleaded.

"No. Just go away. Please just leave me alone."

"I won't do that Lucas."

"Leave!" Lucas shouted at her harshly. "Just leave me the hell alone, all of you." Haley could see the fury in his eyes and knew that it was no use fighting him. With one look back she sadly walked away from him.

Nathan was sitting on the couch watching TV when Haley got home. He saw the distraught look on her face. "What happened," he asked turning off the television.

"I found Lucas curled up on the river court. He'd been crying. He yelled at me to get away." Tears were forming in Haley's eyes.

"That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm going to go talk to Dan and see if he'll help me snap some sense into Keith. This has gone too far. He needs to stand up and be a man."

Nathan reached the doorway of his old house and knocked on the door. Dan opened it. "We need to talk." Dan opened the door and Nathan entered.

"What's going on?" For once Dan actually seemed to mean what he was asking.

"Keith. I'm fed up with him and what he's doing to Lucas. He sits there all day drinking while his nephew is nearly killing himself because he's so emotionally scarred. I'm tired of it and he needs to stand up and be a man. There's no excuse for what he's doing to Lucas."

"You're right." Nathan's mouth dropped. Had he just heard him correctly? Was his father actually agreeing with him?

"We'll go now." Dan went and grabbed his keys.

Pulling up to Lucas' house the two got out. The door was unlocked so they didn't even bother knocking. As suspected Keith was sitting in the chair passed out, no doubt drunk. "Get up," Dan said coldly hitting Keith's arm. Keith was startled from his sleep.

"What do you want," Keith said bitterly.

"I want you to stop sitting around on your ass and making Lucas feel responsible for his mother's death."

"He might as well be," Keith said. Dan immediately took a swing at Keith hitting him in the face. Keith grabbed his mouth and pulled his hand back. There was blood on it. "What the hell was that for?"

"That's for you being an ass and turning into somewhere Karen would be disgusted with!" At that Keith stood up and took a swing at Dan, but he stumbled and fell to the ground. "Look at you. You're so drunk you can't even stand. You're pathetic."

"What the hell am I supposed to? I just lost the love of my life," Keith said looking like he might breakdown right there.

"What are you supposed to do? You're supposed to move on with your like Karen would want you to. You're supposed to get off your god damn ass and be there for Lucas. You're supposed to be strong for him. Do you even know what's going on with him? I'll tell you. He ended up in the hospital because he cut his wrist. He took pills to feel numb and he's lost over 20lbs. Have you even seen him lately? He looks ill." Keith looked stunned back this. Had he really not noticed all of this going on with his nephew? "So you know what Keith, get up, be a man and take care of your nephew." With that Dan turned away and walked out the door with Nathan following him. While they were in the car Nathan looked at his father.

"Thank you." Dan looked at his son. "What you did back there. Thank you." Dan didn't say anything, but Nathan knew he had heard him.

Keith stood up and walked over to Lucas' room. His door was closed so he quietly opened it. Lucas was lying on top of his covers asleep. Keith quietly walked over to him. Dan was right. Without him even noticing Lucas had been disappearing before his very eyes. The boy clearly had lost a lot of weight and with his shirt off you could see some of his ribs. There were deep bags under his eyes and he was so pale he honestly did look ill. If he was walking around he could easily be mistaken for someone with a terminal illness. Keith looked sadly at his nephew and had to turn away. A tear, the first one he had shed in weeks, rolled down his cheek. He had to turn away feeling the guilt overwhelm him. He'd ignored Luke, blaming him for his fiancés death. He had done this. His words had caused Lucas to go into this downward spiral. At that moment Keith knew that he would have to stand up and help his nephew. He had to make things right.

Peyton was in her bedroom sketching with her webcam on. Her drawing showed Lucas standing at the river court with the ball a little bit away from his feet. Peyton had captured the lost look on his face. Peyton stood in the background of the picture behind the picnic bench looking on. She was looking at Lucas, a sad look on her face, as though she had lost him. Setting the drawing aside she sat staring ahead lost in her own mind. A knock on the door startled Peyton from her daze.

Peyton answered the door to find Brooke. Brooke stepped in immediately embracing Peyton in a hug while shutting the door with her foot. The embrace was too much for Peyton and she began to cry. She cried for nearly five minutes before stepping away from Brooke. "Sorry, I got your shirt wet. Look at me crying all over the place."

"You needed to Peyton. I saw you on your webcam and you were trying to pretend everything was okay just like always. It's okay to admit you need help. What's going on?" Peyton sat down and began to tell Brooke everything that had been going on with Lucas in the past few weeks.

Peyton ended her story with a sigh. Getting everything off of her chest felt like having a huge weight taken off of her. "I know you're worried about him Peyt, we all are, but he's going to be okay. And you know why?" Peyton just shook her head like a small child, "Because he has you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to him and even through all of this he knows that."

"Thank you Brooke," Peyton said hugging her friend.

Lucas rolled over and looked at his alarm clock. It was 5:30. _I must have been tired. _He slowly got up and went in search of water. His mouth always became dry when he took the pills. He had convinced himself that he didn't need the pills he was only using them to get rid of the pain. Someone deep in his mind he knew that even when he did feel better he'd still want the pills, but he would never admit that to himself. What he saw upon walking into the kitchen made him freeze. He blinked his eyes a couple times to make sure he was actually awake and this was happening. Keith was actually up and in the kitchen making dinner. Lucas slowly walked to the table and sat down. Keith must have heard him pull out the chair because he turned around and faced Lucas.

"You've lost some weight. I thought you might like a home-cooked meal," Keith said as though the past month hadn't occurred.

"Um…sure, that sounds good." Lucas just sat there baffled after Keith turned back around to stir what smelled like spaghetti sauce. They both remained quiet while Keith finished the dinner and set Lucas' plate in front of him, taking a seat across from Luke. "Thanks." For a few minutes they both just sat and ate their food.

Finally Keith interrupted the silence. "Listen. Uh, I know I said some things awhile back that I shouldn't have said. It's not your fault Luke. I just want you to know that. Your mom wanted to be at your game. She was so proud of you for playing despite Dan and everything else. It might as well be my fault."

"What do you mean?"

"I was supposed to drive with her that night, but I got caught up fixing someone's car. We could blame this on so many things. We could blame it on the person who went early and hit her. It's terrible, it's tragic but blaming people only makes it worse. And, well I'm sorry for blaming you." Both Lucas and Keith were trying to stay strong, but both were tearing up remembering Karen, both as a mother and a lover.

"It's okay. I blame myself too."

"Lucas, don't. It's not your fault. Get that through your mind because it's true. By sitting around blaming yourself you're only hurting your mom. She'd want you to fulfill your dreams and keep fighting." Lucas just nodded his head. "Look at me Lucas." Lucas looked up. "Tell me it's not your fault."

"It's not my fault." He said the words, but he didn't believe them, at least not entirely. "May I be excused?" Keith nodded his head. Lucas walked into his bedroom and grabbed his phone.

"Hey," Nathan answered.

"Hey man, what's going on?"

"Not too much. You sound like you're in a good mood."

"I am," Lucas said, "which is why I want to take advantage of this good mood and do something fun."

"Definitely, I'm having a party at my beach house later if you want to come."

"Yea, I'll be there. I'll see you then."

"Yea see you later."

That evening Lucas headed over to Nathan's beach house. Peyton walked in behind Lucas and decided that she would watch out for him tonight. "Hey man," Nathan said going up and giving Lucas a brotherly hug, "How's it going?"

"Good."

"Alright, well I'm gonna go find Haley. She's wandering around here somewhere." With that Nathan walked away and Lucas made his way to the kitchen to fix himself a drink. He went to the counter and immediately filled a cup nearly halfway with vodka before adding soda to it. Taking a drink he winced at the strong taste of the liquor burning his 

throat. Looking around he saw that no one was watching and grabbed his bag of pills from his pocket. He took one out and looking around one last time popped it in his mouth and downed it with some of his drink. Between the strong drink and the pill he knew that soon he would escape from the world once again. He would feel numb tonight. Taking his drink he went back into the family room and took a seat on the couch. Brooke sat down next to him.

"Hey Luke, how are you doing?" _Remember to smile._

"Things are going great. I'm really glad to have such great friends."

"I'm glad to hear that," Brooke said while looking at Luke for any signs that he was lying. He didn't seem to be lying but then again she'd learned better than to trust him completely anymore. "Alright, well I'm gonna go find Peyton. I'll talk to you later though." She got up and looked around for Peyton. She found him talking to some guy she didn't recognize. "Hey P. Sawyer."

"Hey Brooke," Peyton said and hugged her friend. "Have you seen Lucas?"

"Yea, he's over there on the couch. I just talked to him."

"Oh, okay. Well I'm going to go use the bathroom."

About an hour after being there Lucas was sitting on the couch feeling very out of it. Even his vision was getting blurry. He hardly noticed that Peyton had sat down next to him. "Hey Lucas, how are you?"

"I'm great. Things are going really great Peytin," Lucas slurred.

"How much have you had to drink tonight?"

"Oh you know, just a feew of these things. I don't really remeber what it is."

"Okay, well I think we need to get you home," Peyton stood up and pulled Lucas up and he stumbled.

"I'm not ready to go home."

"Well you need to go," she said grabbing his arm. Lucas pulled away forcefully and stumbled backwards. "Lucas, come on you need to go home. You've had way too much to drink. Your mom wouldn't want to see you like this."

"Well she can't see me like this now can she!?" It was getting very difficult to form words at this point.

"Lucas you know that's not true. You're mom's looking out for you."

"No Peyton she's not. My mom is dead and it's my fault so just shut up already!"

"Don't say that Lucas. It's not your fault and you have to stop thinking that."

Lucas was practically shouting by this point. "No it is. If it hadn't been for me making her feel guilty for not making it to my stupid game! If I hadn't made her come then she wouldn't have been rushing. She wouldn't have tried to make that yellow light and she wouldn't have gotten hit by that drunk driver. It is my fault Peyton! Because I was too fucking selfish!! I just HAD to have her at that stupid game!!"

"Lucas it is not your fault. You're mom wanted to be there. She wanted to see you play."

"NO, it is my fault. It's my stupid fault!"

"No, look at me Lucas, tell me it's not your fault."

"I can't," he said walking out, "I can't." With that he quickly walked out of the party. He got outside and began running, but his vision as blurry and he couldn't get his legs to cooperate. His legs gave out on him after a block and he 

remained sitting in the yard. Standing up he dragged himself to the bushes and laid down knowing he couldn't make it home. Letting the darkness take him over, he passed out right there.

_Wait for everyone to go away  
And in a dimly lit  
room where you've got nothing to hide  
Say your goodbyes  
Tell yourself we'll read  
a note that says  
I'm sorry everyone  
I'm tired of feeling nothing goodbye_


End file.
